Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by guineapig.
PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK
PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys!
ALL: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?
PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'
ALL: Ohh. Ouch.
RACHEL: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?
MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.
RACHEL: Since when?
JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.
CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.
PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.
RACHEL: And everybody knows this?
JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
MONICA: Uh, Ross.
ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT)
CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"
JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good!
JOEY: Thanks! Let's keep going.
CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"
JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."
CHANDLER: "Smoke away."
(JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS)
CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
CHANDLER: Relax your hand!
(JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP)
CHANDLER: Not so much!
CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff.
(JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES)
CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
(JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE)
CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
JOEY: Y'miss it?
CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)
SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK(ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE)
MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS)
JOEY: That's ridiculous!
ROSS: Can I use.. either thumb?
RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!
ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!
(THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS)
(ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI)
JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.
MONICA: What did they do to you?
PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.
CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...
PHOEBE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it!
PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...
MONICA: We're with you. We got it.
(CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT)
PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing?
MONICA: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE)
ALL: Oh! Oh, God!
ROSS: What is this?!
CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.
PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!
CHANDLER: And this- is my reward!
ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit!
ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!
CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE)
PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!
MONICA: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.
RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'?
MONICA: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.
JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy?
MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.
ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!
MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve.
CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him?
MONICA: Nope. Schhorry.
SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK)
MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.
MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.
PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
(CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT)
JOEY: Let it go, Ross.
ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.
MONICA: Do you all promise?
ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!
MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW)
JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)
(ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)
ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.
PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
RACHEL: What bank is this?
MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan.
JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here!
(CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)
MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.
(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)
MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
ALL: Hi, Alan.
ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!
SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING)
MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?
ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.
ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!
MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?
RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)
THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.
JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
ROSS: ...What shoe?
PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'
ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.
CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)
ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though?
ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself.
SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR)
MONICA: Hi.. how was the game?
ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
MONICA: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.
ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
(CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER)
PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie.
LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl.
PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup.
LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels?
PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)
PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here.
PHOEBE: I know.
LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?
PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.
LIZZIE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no.
LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?
PHOEBE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.
LIZZIE: Please, let me do something.
PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?
(CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK)
(CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS)
(CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND)
LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?
PHOEBE: No, I'm fine.
LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya.
(PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS)
(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK)
ROSS: A thumb?!
PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?
PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?
(CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)
ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!
RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb!
CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair!
MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair?
CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?
JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
RACHEL: Well, I-I could live without it.
JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
(PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR)
ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.
JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"?
(MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS)
ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.
PHOEBE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.)
SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK)
MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
MONICA: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.
PAULA: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
MONICA: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.
PAULA: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.
PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.
MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.
(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER)
JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body?
ROSS: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?
CHANDLER: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.
CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE)
RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good.
ROSS: If only he were a woman.
(THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK)
(CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S)
CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.
ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO)
MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey?
CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
RACHEL: I think he's across the hall.
MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM)
ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go.
CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
ROSS: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
ROSS: Hey, I might!
PHOEBE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God.
PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on?
MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.
JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
RACHEL: Uh, Joey..
JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)
MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay..
ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!
MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk.
PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.
MONICA: Alright, we have to talk.
PHOEBE: There it is!
MONICA: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.
(THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER)
ROSS: Is there somebody else?
MONICA: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.
RACHEL: We didn't change..
JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?
PHOEBE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR)
MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending-
MONICA: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!
ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.
MONICA: I'm sorry..
CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!
RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
MONICA: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.
ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!
MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay?
ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.
MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand.
(CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT)
MONICA: I'm, I'm really sorry.
ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.
CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM)
RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking.
ROSS: So how'd it go?
MONICA: Oh, y'know..
PHOEBE: Did he mention us?
MONICA: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK)
ROSS: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD)
CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.
ALL: No no no!
CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!
PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!
CHANDLER: (REENTERING) Yeah, alright.