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The One With the Thumb


Originally written by Jeffrey Astrof & Mike Sikowitz.
Transcribed by guineapig.


PRE-INTRO SCENE: CENTRAL PERK

PHOEBE: (ENTERING) Hi guys!

ALL: Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

ROSS: Hey. Oh, oh, how'd it go?

PHOEBE: Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said 'We should do this again!'

ALL: Ohh. Ouch.

RACHEL: What? He said 'we should do it again', that's good, right?

MONICA: Uh, no. Loosely translated 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked'.

RACHEL: Since when?

JOEY: Since always. It's like dating language. Y'know, like 'It's not you' means 'It is you'.

CHANDLER: Or 'You're such a nice guy' means 'I'm gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you'.

PHOEBE: Or, or, y'know, um, 'I think we should see other people' means 'Ha, ha, I already am'.

RACHEL: And everybody knows this?

JOEY: Yeah. Cushions the blow.

CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

MONICA: Uh, Ross.

ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

(INTRO)

SCENE 1: CHANDLER AND JOEY'S APARTMENT. (JOEY IS REHEARSING A PART; CHANDLER READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT)

CHANDLER: "So how does it feel knowing you're about to die?"

JOEY: "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you'll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

CHANDLER: Hey, that was really good!

JOEY: Thanks! Let's keep going.

CHANDLER: Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"

JOEY: "I just wanna go back to my cell. 'Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

CHANDLER: "Smoke away."

(JOEY TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES AND A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES AND DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG AND COUGHS)

CHANDLER: I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Relax your hand!

(JOEY LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP)

CHANDLER: Not so much!

JOEY: Whoah!

CHANDLER: Hey!

JOEY: Hey!

CHANDLER: Alright, now try taking a puff.

(JOEY TRIES AND VISIBLY WINCES)

CHANDLER: Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

JOEY: No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

CHANDLER: It's fine, it's fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(JOEY RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE)

CHANDLER: Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. When you're holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

JOEY: Y'miss it?

CHANDLER: Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)

SCENE 2: CENTRAL PERK(ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND PHOEBE)

MONICA: No, no, no. They say it's the same as the distance from the tip of a guy's thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS)

JOEY: That's ridiculous!

ROSS: Can I use.. either thumb?

RACHEL: (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don't tell me, don't tell me! (HANDING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I'm getting pretty good at this!

ALL: Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

RACHEL: (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!

(THE GANG SWAP ROUND ALL THE DRINKS)

(ENTER PHOEBE, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI)

JOEY: Y'okay, Phoebe?

PHOEBE: Yeah- no- I'm just- it's, I haven't worked- It's my bank.

MONICA: What did they do to you?

PHOEBE: It's nothing, it's just- Okay. I'm going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

ROSS: Easy.

PHOEBE: - and there's five hundred extra dollars in my account.

CHANDLER: Oh, Satan's minions at work again...

PHOEBE: Yes, 'cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

JOEY: What are you talking about? Keep it!

PHOEBE: It's not mine, I didn't earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

RACHEL: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

PHOEBE: Okay. Okay, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I'd hear, with every step I took? 'Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.' And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- 'Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine'...

MONICA: We're with you. We got it.

(CHANDLER LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT)

PHOEBE: Okay. I'd- just- I'd never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

RACHEL: Chandler, what are you doing?

MONICA: (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(CHANDLER TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUALLY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE)

ALL: Oh! Oh, God!

ROSS: What is this?!

CHANDLER: I'm smoking. I'm smoking, I'm smoking.

PHOEBE: Oh, I can't believe you! You've been so good, for three years!

CHANDLER: And this- is my reward!

ROSS: Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

CHANDLER: Okay, so this time I won't quit!

ALL: Ohhh! Put it out!

CHANDLER: All right! I'm putting it out, I'm putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN PHOEBE'S COFFEE)

PHOEBE: Oh, no! I- I can't drink this now!

MONICA: Alright. I'm gonna go change, I've got a date.

RACHEL: This Alan again? How's it goin'?

MONICA: 'S'going pretty good, y'know? It's nice, and, we're having fun.

JOEY: So when do we get to meet the guy?

MONICA: Let's see, today's Monday... Never.

ALL: Oh, come on! Come on!

MONICA: No. Not after what happened with Steve.

CHANDLER: What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

MONICA: Look, I don't even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

RACHEL: Well, then can we meet him?

MONICA: Nope. Schhorry.

SCENE 3: IRIDIUM (MONICA AND PAULA ARE AT WORK)

MONICA: I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they're all over him. I mean, they're like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

PAULA: Listen. As someone who's seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I'll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they're your friends, they're just looking out after you.

MONICA: I know. I just wish that once, I'd bring a guy home that they actually liked.

PAULA: Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

(CUT TO RACHEL+MONICA'S APARTMENT. CHANDLER IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, PHOEBE IS ABSENT)

JOEY: Let it go, Ross.

ROSS: Yeah, well, you didn't know Chi Chi.

MONICA: Do you all promise?

ALL: Yeah! We promise! We'll be good!

MONICA: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(CHANDLER MAKES A 'CROSS MY HEART' SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN AND CHANDLER TAPS ON THE WINDOW)

JOEY: You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(CHANDLER SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID AND SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)

(ENTER PHOEBE. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN AND BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)

ROSS: Hey, Pheebs.

PHOEBE: 'Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We're sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you'll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.' Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

RACHEL: What bank is this?

(DOOR BUZZER)

MONICA: Hey. It's him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?

ALAN (INTERCOM): It's Alan.

JOEY: (SHOUTS TO CHANDLER) Chandler! He's here!

(CHANDLER COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)

MONICA: (TO ALL) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)

MONICA: Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

ALAN: Hi.

ALL: Hi, Alan.

ALAN: I've heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(GENERAL HYSTERIA)

SCENE 4: RACHEL+ MONICA'S (LATER IN THE EVENING)

MONICA: (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I'll call you tomorrow. (TO ALL) Okay. Okay, let's let the Alan-bashing begin. Who's gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(SILENCE)

MONICA: C'mon!

ROSS: ...I'll go. Let's start with the way he kept picking at- no, I'm sorry, I can't do this, can't do this. We loved him.

ALL: Loved him! Yeah! He's great!

MONICA: Wait a minute! We're talking about someone that I'm going out with?

ALL: Yeah!

RACHEL: And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB AND INDEX FINGER)

THE GUYS: (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.

JOEY: Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

PHOEBE: Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

ROSS: ...What shoe?

PHOEBE: From the nursery rhyme. 'There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...'

(DUBIOUS PAUSE)

ROSS: ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

RACHEL: What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y'know, it.

MONICA: Really!

CHANDLER: Oh, yeah. I'd marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I'm gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)

ROSS: You know what I like most about him, though?

ALL: What?

ROSS: The way he makes me feel about myself.

ALL: Yeah...

(AD BREAK)

SCENE 5: CENTRAL PERK(MONICA ALONE. ENTER ROSS, RACHEL, CHANDLER AND JOEY, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBALL GEAR)

MONICA: Hi.. how was the game?

ROSS: Well..

ALL: WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

MONICA: Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

JOEY: Alan.

ROSS: He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...

RACHEL: I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

CHANDLER: Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

MONICA: Can I ask you guys a question? D'you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

ROSS: What?

MONICA: ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

RACHEL: Well, no. That's impossible. You can never be too Alan.

ROSS: Yeah, it's his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

CHANDLER: I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

(CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. PHOEBE WALKS UP TO HER)

PHOEBE: Hey, Lizzie.

LIZZIE: Hey, Weird Girl.

PHOEBE: I brought you alphabet soup.

LIZZIE: Did you pick out the vowels?

PHOEBE: Yes. But I left in the Ys. 'Cause, y'know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)

LIZZIE: Saltines?

PHOEBE: No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

LIZZIE: What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE PHOEBE HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there's really money in here.

PHOEBE: I know.

LIZZIE: Weird Girl, what are you doing?

PHOEBE: No, I want you to have it. I don't want it.

LIZZIE: No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

PHOEBE: Oh, that's fine, no.

LIZZIE: Would you like my tin-foil hat?

PHOEBE: No. 'Cause you need that. No, it's okay, thanks.

LIZZIE: Please, let me do something.

PHOEBE: Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we're even. Okay?

LIZZIE: Okay.

PHOEBE: Okay.

(CUT TO CHANDLER'S OFFICE BLOCK)

(CHANDLER LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER AND TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER AND TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN AND TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER AND GAGS)

(CUT TO PHOEBE AND LIZZIE AT A SODA STAND)

LIZZIE: Keep the change. (TO PHOEBE) Sure you don't wanna pretzel?

PHOEBE: No, I'm fine.

LIZZIE: (LEAVING) See ya.

(PHOEBE OPENS THE CAN AND REACTS)

PHOEBE: Huh!

(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK)

ROSS: A thumb?!

(PHOEBE NODS)

ALL: Eww!

PHOEBE: I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

CHANDLER: Well, maybe it's a contest, y'know? Like, collect all five?

PHOEBE: Does, um, anyone wanna see?

ALL: Nooo!

(CHANDLER LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)

ALL: Oh, hey, don't do that! Cut it out!

RACHEL: It's worse than the thumb!

CHANDLER: Hey, this is so unfair!

MONICA: Oh, why is it unfair?

CHANDLER: So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can't you accept me for this?

(UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)

JOEY: ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

RACHEL: Well, I-I could live without it.

JOEY: Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(PHOEBE SPITS OUT HER HAIR)

ROSS: Oh, now, don't listen to him, Pheebs, I think it's endearing.

JOEY: Oh, (IMITATING ROSS) "you do, do you"?

(MONICA LAUGHS AND SNORTS)

ROSS: You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

RACHEL: "Indeed there isn't"... I should really get back to work.

PHOEBE: Yeah, 'cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

RACHEL: Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING AND CHANDLER HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.)

SCENE 6: IRIDIUM (AGAIN, MONICA AND PAULA AT WORK)

MONICA: Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

PAULA: No.

MONICA: Okay.. Well, I'm going out with a guy my friends all really like.

PAULA: Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

MONICA: Can you believe it? ...Y'know what? I just don't feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don't feel the thing.

PAULA: Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that's how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

MONICA: I know.. it's gonna be really hard.

PAULA: Well, he's a big boy, he'll get over it.

MONICA: No, he'll be fine. It's the other five I'm worried about.

(CUT TO CENTRAL PERK, WHERE JOEY AND ROSS ARE PERSECUTING CHANDLER)

JOEY: Do you have any respect for your body?

ROSS: Don't you realise what you're-you're doing to yourself?

CHANDLER: Hey, y'know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

RACHEL: (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It's Alan, he wants to speak to you.

CHANDLER: Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what's up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it's not that big- ..well, that's true,.. Gee, y'know, no-one- no-one's ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HANDS BACK THE PHONE AND STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE)

RACHEL: (TO ROSS, WHO HAS WANDERED UP) God, he's good.

ROSS: If only he were a woman.

RACHEL: Yeah.

(THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK)

(CUT TO THE GANG MINUS MONICA AND JOEY WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT RACHEL+ MONICA'S)

CHANDLER: Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too.

ROSS: Okay. I think it's time to change somebody's nicotine patch. (DOES SO)

(ENTER MONICA)

MONICA: Hey. Where's Joey?

CHANDLER: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

RACHEL: I think he's across the hall.

MONICA: Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM)

ROSS: (FINISHES CHANGING CHANDLER'S NICOTINE PATCH) There y'go.

CHANDLER: (DEADPAN) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.

ROSS: Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

PHOEBE: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

ROSS: Hey, I might!

PHOEBE: Sorry. ..Y'know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

ALL: You're kidding. Oh my God.

PHOEBE: And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!

JOEY: (DRAGGED IN BY MONICA. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What's going on?

MONICA: Nothing. I just think it's nice when we're all here together.

JOEY: Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

RACHEL: Uh, Joey..

JOEY: Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)

MONICA: (TURNS OFF TV) Okay..

ALL: Oh! That was Lambchop!

MONICA: Please, guys, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: Wait, wait, I'm getting a deja vu...no, I'm not.

MONICA: Alright, we have to talk.

PHOEBE: There it is!

MONICA: Okay. It's-it's about Alan. There's something that you should know. I mean, there's really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I've decided to break up with Alan.

(THEY ALL GASP AND CLUTCH EACH OTHER)

ROSS: Is there somebody else?

MONICA: No, nononono.. it's just.. things change. People change.

RACHEL: We didn't change..

JOEY: So that's it? It's over? Just like that?

PHOEBE: You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR)

MONICA: Look, I- I could go on pretending-

JOEY: Okay!

MONICA: -but that wouldn't be fair to me, it wouldn't be fair to Alan- It wouldn't be fair to you!

ROSS: Who-who wants fair? Y'know, I just want things back. Y'know, the way they were.

MONICA: I'm sorry..

CHANDLER: (SARCASTIC) Oh, she's sorry! I feel better!

RACHEL: (TEARFUL) I just can't believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

MONICA: I'll meet somone else. There'll be other Alans.

ALL: Oh, yeah! Right!

MONICA: Are you guys gonna be okay?

ROSS: Hey hey, we'll be fine. We're just gonna need a little time.

MONICA: (DUBIOUS) I understand.

(CUT TO MONICA TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT)

ALAN: Wow.

MONICA: I'm, I'm really sorry.

ALAN: Yeah, I'm sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

MONICA: Relieved?

ALAN: Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can't stand your friends.

(CLOSING CREDITS)

CREDITS SCENE: RACHEL + MONICA'S
(THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM)

RACHEL: Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

ROSS: Yeah. He could row like a viking.

(ENTER MONICA)

MONICA: Hi.

ALL: Mmm.

ROSS: So how'd it go?

MONICA: Oh, y'know..

PHOEBE: Did he mention us?

MONICA: He said he's really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK)

ROSS: You had a rough day, huh.. c'mere. (SHE SITS DOWN AND ROSS STROKES HER FOREHEAD)

CHANDLER: ...That's it. I'm getting cigarettes.

ALL: No no no!

CHANDLER: (LEAVING) I don't care, I don't care! Game's over! I'm weak! I've gotta smoke! I've gotta have the smoke!

PHOEBE: (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I'll give you seven thousand dollars!

CHANDLER: (REENTERING) Yeah, alright.

END


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