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The One With Two Parts, Part 1


Originally written by Marta Kauffman and David Crane
Transcribed by Mindy Mattingly Phillips [mmatting@indiana.edu]


CHANDLER: This is unbelievable. It's been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now.

JOEY: There's the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

CHANDLER: It's Phoebe! Hi!

URSULA: Hi. Ok, will that be all?

CHANDLER: Wait, wait! Wh-What are you doing here?

URSULA: Yeah, um, I was over there, and then you said "excuse me, hello miss," so now I'm here.

JOEY: No, no how come are you working here?

URSULA: Right, yeah, 'cause it's close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

CHANDLER: Can we start over?

URSULA: Yeah. Ok, great. I'm gonna be over here.

CHANDLER and JOEY: No no no!

ROSS: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, supposedly by accident.

RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I've done that.

ROSS: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword.

RACHEL: I've never done that.

CHANDLER: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn't look exactly like her sister.

JOEY: I'm sayin' I see a difference.

CHANDLER: They're twins!

JOEY: I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's--hot!

CHANDLER: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things. Let's not do that anymore.

JOEY: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! Fun! Ok. Um, Liam Neeson.

JOEY: Nope.

PHOEBE: Morly Safer.

JOEY: Nope.

PHOEBE: The woman who cuts my hair!

MONICA: Ok, look, this could be a really long game.

CHANDLER: Your sister Ursula.

PHOEBE: Oh, really.

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh--

PHOEBE: Riff's. Yeah, I know.

CHANDLER: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven't talked in like years.

PHOEBE: Hmmm? Uh, yeah. So, uh, is she fat?

JOEY: Not from where I was standin'.

PHOEBE: Where were you standing?

RACHEL: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don't get along?

PHOEBE: It's mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know. Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it, later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new"?

ROSS: Oh, Pheebs, I'm sorry, but I've got to go. I've got Lamaze class.

CHANDLER: Oh, and I've got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in gym.

RACHEL: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

ROSS: No, Susan's gonna be there too. We've got dads, we've got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

RACHEL: Well, isn't that gonna be weird?

ROSS: No, no. I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I'm pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

MONICA: Ross, that's my jacket.

ROSS: I know.

WOMAN: Hi, we're the Rostins. I'm J.C., and he's Michael, and we're having a boy, and a girl.

TEACHER: Good for you. Next?

ROSS: I'm Ross Geller, and that's, that's my boy in there, and uh, this is Carol Willick, and this is Susan Bunch. Susan is Carol's... Who's next?

TEACHER: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. Susan is Carol's--?

ROSS: Susan is Carol's Carol's Carol's friend.

CAROL: Life partner.

ROSS: Like buddies.

SUSAN: Like lovers.

ROSS: You know how close women can get.

CAROL: Susan and I live together.

ROSS: Although I was married to her.

SUSAN: Carol, not me.

ROSS: Right.

CAROL: It's a little complicated.

ROSS: A little.

SUSAN: But we're fine.

ROSS: Absolutely. So, twins. Huh, that's like two births. Ouch.

CHANDLER: And (buzzing noise) to you too, Helen.

HELEN: Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

CHANDLER: Oh, ok. Send her in.

NINA: Hi.

CHANDLER: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

NINA: You wanted to see me?

CHANDLER: Uh, Yes. Yes. I've just been going over your data here, and little thing, you've been post-dating your Friday numbers.

NINA: Which is bad because--?

CHANDLER: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

NIna: Your--Excuse me?

CHANDLER: WENUS. Weekly Estimated Net Usage Statistics.

NINA: Oh, right. Gotcha. It won't happen again. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt your...WENUS.

CHANDLER: It's not just that she's cute, ok. It's just that she's really really cute.

ROSS: It doesn't matter. You don't dip your pen in the company ink.

MONICA: Ross, your little creature's got the remote again.

ROSS: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote...

MONICA: Great.

ROSS: Relax, I'll fix it.

RACHEL: Oh, cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel".

ROSS: How did he do this?

CHANDLER: So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

MONICA: No, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year's but obviously someone forgot.

RACHEL: Well someone was supposed to write "Rache, take down the lights" and put it on the refrigerator. How long has that been there?

CHANDLER: Hey, where you been?

JOEY: I went back to Riff's. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, and she brought me a tuna melt and four plates of curly fries.

CHANDLER: Score.

JOEY: She is so hot.

CHANDLER: Yeah, listen. Before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by, uh--

JOEY: Pheebs? You think it would be ok if I asked out your sister?

PHOEBE: Why? Why would you wanna do that? Why?

JOEY: So that if we went out on a date, she'd be there.

PHOEBE: Well, I mean, I'm not my sister's, you know, whatever, and uh, I mean, it's true, we were one egg, once, but you know, we've grown apart. So, uh, I don't know. Why not?

JOEY: Cool, thanks.

ROSS: You ok?

PHOEBE: Yeah I'm fine.

ROSS: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

ROSS: Sorry. Hi. Sorry I'm late. Where's Carol?

SUSAN: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I'll get the information.

ROSS: No, no, no. I think I should stay. I think we should both know what's going on.

SUSAN: Oh, good. This'll be fun.

TEACHER: All righty. We're gonna start with some basic first-stage breathing exercises, so Mommies, why don't you get on your backs, and coaches, you should be supporting Mommy's head.

ROSS: What? What?

SUSAN: What? What?

SUSAN: I am supposed to be the mommy?

ROSS: Ok, I'm gonna play my sperm card one more time.

SUSAN: Look, I don't see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I'm a woman.

ROSS: I see. So what do you propose to do?

SUSAN: I will flip you for it.

ROSS: Flip me for it? No, no, no--heads, heads!

SUSAN: On your back, Mom.

TEACHER: All right, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath. Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

CHANDLER: Mr. D, how's it going, sir??

MR. DOUGLAS: It's been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

CHANDLER: And?

MR. DOUGLAS: It's pretty ugly. We haven't seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

CHANDLER: So what does this mean?

MR. DOUGLAS: Well, we're gonna be layin' off people in every department.

CHANDLER: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very--

MR. DOUGLAS: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

CHANDLER: Nina? Nina. Nina. Nina.

NINA: Are you ok?

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I am. Listen, the reason that I called you in here today is, uh, please don't hate me.

NINA: What?

CHANDLER: Would you like to have dinner sometime?

RACHEL: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

PHOEBE: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

RACHEL: Ok. Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree & Evelyn?

PHOEBE: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

JAMIE: What is this place?

FRAN: Look, you're cold, I have to pee, and there's a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

JAMIE: I think we have an answer.

FRAN: What's she doing here?

JAMIE: This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.

FRAN: Think she got fired at Riff's?

JAMIE: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept bringing swordfish. Are you gonna go--

FRAN: I'm gonna wait till after we order. It's her, right.

JAMIE: It looks like her. Um, excuse me.

PHOEBE: Yeah?

JAMIE: Hi, it's us.

PHOEBE: Right, and it's me.

JAMIE: So, so you're here too?

PHOEBE: Much as you are.

JAMIE: Your turn.

FRAN: We know what we want.

PHOEBE: Oh, that's good.

JAMIE: All we want is two cafe lattes.

FRAN: And some biscotti cookies.

PHOEBE: Good choice.

JAMIE: Definitely her.

FRAN: Yeah.

MONICA: I can't believe you. You still haven't told that girl she doesn't have a job yet?

CHANDLER: Well, you still haven't taken down the Christmas lights.

MONICA: Congratulations, I think you've found the world's thinnest argument.

CHANDLER: I'm just trying to find the right moment, you know?

RACHEL: Oh, well, that shouldn't be so hard, now that you're dating. Sweetheart, you're fired, but how 'bout a quickie before I go to work.

JOEY: Hey.

(knock)

CHANDLER: You know, once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore.

MONICA: I'll get it. Hi, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.

MONICA: We're not doing anything. We're just sitting around talking, quietly.

MR. HECKLES: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can't sleep.

RACHEL: You don't even have cats.

MR. HECKLES: I could have cats.

MONICA: Goodbye Mr. Heckles.

RACHEL: We'll try to keep it down.

JOEY: Phoebe, could you do me a favor? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

PHOEBE: Oh, my first birthday present. Oh, this is really--

JOEY: Oh, no no no. It's for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size wise.

PHOEBE: Oh, sure, yeah. Ok, it fits.

RACHEL: Are you seein' her again tonight?

JOEY: Yep. Ice Capades.

CHANDLER: Wow, this is serious. I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

JOEY: I don't know. I like her, you know. She's different. There's uh, somethin about her that--

PHOEBE: That you like. We get it. You like her. Great.

JOEY: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you and you said it was ok.

PHOEBE: All right, well, maybe now it's not ok.

JOEY: Ok, well maybe now I'm not ok with it not being ok.

PHOEBE: Ok.

CHANDLER: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(knock)

CHANDLER: And that's the Chrysler building right there.

MR. DOUGLAS: Nina.

NINA: Mr. Douglas. Cool tie.

MR. DOUGLAS: She's still here.

CHANDLER: Yes, yes she is. Didn't I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, uh, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Fl---, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan, and uh, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly. In fact, he uh, mentioned the word "frenzy".

MR. DOUGLAS: You're kidding? She seems so--

CHANDLER: Oh, no, no. Nina--she is whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo. In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

MR. DOUGLAS: That's unbelievable.

CHANDLER: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself or others.

MR. DOUGLAS: I see. I guess you never really know what's goin' on inside a person's head.

CHANDLER: Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.

TEACHER: Lights please? And that's having a baby. Next week is our last class.

ROSS: Susan, go deep.

CAROL: This is impossible. It's just impossible.

SUSAN: What is, honey?

CAROL: What that woman did. I am not doin' that. It's just gonna have to stay in. That's all, everything will be the same, it'll just stay in.

ROSS: Carol, honey, shhh, everything's gonna be all right.

CAROL: What do you know? No one's come up to you and said, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"

SUSAN: Carol, Carol, please. Cleansing breath. I know it's frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it's over, we're all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives. I mean, that's what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

ROSS: I'm gonna be a father.

RACHEL: It's just occurring to you?

ROSS: I always knew I was havin' a baby, I just never realized the baby was having me.

RACHEL: Oh, you're gonna be great!

ROSS: Aw, how can you say that? I can't even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

CHANDLER: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

PHOEBE: Where're you going?

JOEY: Out.

PHOEBE: With?

JOEY: Yes.

PHOEBE: All right, could I just ask you one question? Have you two, you know...like, you know, you know, yet?

JOEY: Well, not that it's any of your business, but, no, we haven't, ok? You meant sex, right?

NINA: Do you have a sec?

CHANDLER: Uh, sure, Nina. What's up?

NINA: I don't know. For the past couple of days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

CHANDLER: Oh, well, uh, maybe that's because they're uh, jealous of us.

NINA: Maybe. But that doesn't explain why they keep taking my scissors.

CHANDLER: Uh, well, maybe that's, uh, because you're getting a big raise.

NINA: I am?

CHANDLER: Sure, why not?

NINA: Oh my god! You're amazing.

CHANDLER: Oh, you don't know. Helen, would you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder's raise?

HELEN: Do you still want me to send her psychological profile to perosnnel?

NINA: What?

CHANDLER: Helen drinks. Will you marry me?

CHANDLER: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

RACHEL: Oh, how'd she take it?

CHANDLER: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. Little tip: If you're ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand on the desk.

MONICA: Ok, I think I get how to do this.

PHOEBE: All right, so, can we turn this off? Just, just make it--make them go away? I can't, I can't look.

MONICA: Ok, Pheebs, they're gone. Are you all right?

PHOEBE: Yeah. Yeah. It's just, you know, it's this whole stupid Ursula thing.

RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he's going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

PHOEBE: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I'm not saying she's like evil or anything. She just, you know, she's always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn't let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. Oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like, have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

MONICA & RACHEL: No.

PHOEBE: Well, but that's what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then broke his heart, and then he wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Because he said he didn't wanna be around anything that looked like either one of us. I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but--

CHANDLER: You're not gonna lose him.

MONICA: Come on, you gotta talk to Joey.

PHOEBE: Yeah.

ROSS: Come on, he doesn't know this stuff. If he knew how you felt--

PHOEBE: But he's falling in love with her.

RACHEL: Please, they've been going out a week. They haven't even slept together yet, I mean, that's not serious.

PHOEBE: Ok. Oh, ok, oh.

URSULA: Oh. Yeah, um, may we help you?

MONICA: Rachel, what are you doing? It's freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

RACHEL: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so I'm takin' 'em down. Ok? Whoa! (She falls off the balcony)

MONICA; Rachel! Rachel!

RACHEL: I'm ok! I'm ok! Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

MR. HECKLES: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

END


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