Originally written by Chris Brown.
Transcribed by Dan Silverstein.
[Scene: Central Perk. The whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]
ROSS: And here's little Ben nodding off...
MNCA: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!
PHOE: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!
RACH: Oh, let me see! [grabs picture] Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!
[Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.]
ROSS: [quietly] That would be nice.
[Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.]
CHAN: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. [walks over to where Joey is seated]
[Joey is looking at his check.]
JOEY: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.
CHAN: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.
JOEY: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.
CHAN: [sigh]... And where's this money coming from? [gives money to Joey]
JOEY: Well... I'm helping out down at the NYU Med School with some... research.
ROSS: [overhearing] What kind of research?
JOEY: Oh, just, y'know.... science.
ROSS: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. [everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over]
JOEY: [sigh]... It's a fertility study.
MNCA: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.
JOEY: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.
PHOE: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]
MNCA: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...
PHOE: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... [hands meat to Monica]
[Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.]
CHAN: [in a deep voice] Men are here.
JOEY: We make fire. Cook meat.
CHAN: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
MNCA: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.
JOEY: Oh, OK.
PHOE: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your [provocatively] special someone?
JOEY: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.
MNCA: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?
JOEY: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?
MNCA: Man's got a point.
JOEY: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.
CHAN: Crazy bitch.
JOEY: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.
MNCA: Joey... we always know what you mean.
[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]
ROSS: Hey. [Phoebe sees his bags]
PHOE: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?
ROSS: I'm going to China.
PHOE: Jeez, you say one thing, and...
MNCA: You're going to China?
ROSS: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo--it's--it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary [hands a sheet of paper to Monica]. Um... here's a picture of me... [hands it to Monica]
PHOE: Oh, let me see! [takes the picture]
ROSS: [to Monica]: Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?
[Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.]
PHOE: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... [puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her] Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.
ROSS: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.
MNCA: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.
ROSS: Oh. [pause] Hey, who's Carl?
MNCA: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.
PHOE: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the--
ROSS: At the coffeehouse, right.
PHOE: So you do know who he is! [laughs, Ross stares at her] Sorry.
ROSS: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.
PHOE: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.
[Ross goes outisde on the balcony.]
ROSS: [sigh]....I have to go to China.
JOEY: The country?
ROSS: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?
CHAN: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.
ROSS: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.
JOEY: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?
CHAN: Forget about her.
JOEY: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.
CHAN: Course there, they just call it food.
ROSS: Yeah... I guess. I don't--I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? [gives Chandler a gift for Rachel]
JOEY: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.
ROSS: I know.
JOEY: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. [Joey gives Ross a hug]
CHAN: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
[Time lapse. Melanie (MELN), Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]
MELN: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'
JOEY: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.
CHAN: [sarcastic] Ooooh. [looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity]
MNCA: [gets up] OK, how does everybody like their burgers?
RACH: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. [walks into living room]
[Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.]
MNCA: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?
JOEY: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I--
[Monica rolls her eyes.]
JOEY: Then you do. Heh, heh.
MNCA: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?
JOEY: What do you mean?
MNCA: Y'know, just be there for her.
[Long pause... Joey looks confused.]
JOEY: Not following you.
MNCA: Think about it.
[They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.]
RACH: OK, I'm guessing this is from...
RACH: Well, thank you, Melanie.
CHAN: [pointing out a gift] OK, this one right here is from me.
RACH: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light... [shakes it]...it rattles... it's... [opens it] Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! [she gives it back to him]
[Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.]
RACH: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...[opens it]...it's a book!
PHOE: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
JOEY: [to Rachel]: That book got me through some tough times.
MELN: There is a little child inside this man!
CHAN: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
[Rachel picks up the next gift.]
RACH: Who's this from?
CHAN: Oh, that's Ross's.
RACH: Oh... [opens it]... [sees it is a pin] Oh my God. He remembered.
PHOE: Remembered what?
RACH: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!
CHAN: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? [pats his Travel Scrabble game]
PHOE: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
MNCA: I can't believe he did this.
CHAN: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
[Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.]
RACH: What did you just say?
CHAN: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
RACH: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
CHAN: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah.... flennin....
RACH: Oh.... my God.
CHAN: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no....
JOEY: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
[Scene: Same as before, a few moments later.]
RACH: I mean, this is unbelievable.
PHOE: I know. This is really, really huge.
CHAN: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.
PHOE: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.
CHAN: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?
MNCA: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?
RACH: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... [to Joey]: W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?
JOEY: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.
RACH: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. [gets up to leave]
CHAN: [quickly] H-He's in China!
JOEY: The country.
MNCA: No, no, wait. [checks Ross's itinerary] His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.
CHAN: What about the time difference?
MNCA: From here to the airport?
CHAN: Yes! [Rachel walks towards door] You're never gonna make it!
MNCA: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?
RACH: I-I-I don't know.
CHAN: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.
JOEY: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.
MNCA: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.
RACH: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.
PHOE: Here, look, alright, does this help?
[Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.]
RACH: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. [opens door]
CHAN: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! [she leaves]
[Scene: Airport. Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant (FLGT) is there.]
ROSS: [something in Chinese]
ROSS: Ni-chou chi-ma! [walks onto jetway]
[Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.]
RACH: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....
[Rachel gets up to the jetway.]
FLGT: May I see your boarding pass?
RACH: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.
FLGT: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.
RACH: No, I know, but I--he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...
FLGT: No no no! Federal regulations!
RACH: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.
FLGT: Alright. What's the message?
RACH: Uh... I don't know.
[Scene: On the jetway. The flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]
FLGT: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.
MAN: [confused] What?
FLGT: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.
MAN: [to wife]: Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.
[Scene: Joey's bedroom. He and Melanie are in bed together.]
MELN: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!
JOEY: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.
MELN: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! [she starts kissing his chest]
JOEY: [panicked] Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.
MELN: [surprised] M-Me again?
JOEY: Sure! Why not?
MELN: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.
[Joey starts to kiss her.]
MELN: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.
JOEY: How do you mean?
MELN: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.
[Scene: Monica's apartment. Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]
MNCA: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?
RACH: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.
RACH: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.
MNCA: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!
PHOE: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.
MNCA: Another good point.
PHOE: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.
RACH: [confused] Huh?
PHOE: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?
MNCA: Why isn't it working out?
RACH: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.
MNCA: Is he not cute enough for you?
MNCA: Does he not make enough money?
RACH: No, I'm just....
PHOE: Maybe there's someone else.
MNCA: Is there? Is there someone else?
RACH: No! There is.. there is noone else!
MNCA: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]
CHAN: Hey, big--
CHAN: [quietly] --spender.
JOEY: She's still asleep.
CHAN: So how'd it go?
JOEY: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?
CHAN: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.
JOEY: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!
CHAN: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.
JOEY: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.
CHAN: I didn't know you had another level.
JOEY: I know! Neither did I!
[Scene: Monica's apartment, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]
MNCA: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?
MNCA: Oh, from who?
RACH: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.
MNCA: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?
RACH: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this--this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.
MNCA: Oh, why?
RACH: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna--
MNCA: [gets up] No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!
RACH: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...
MNCA: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.
[Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.]
RACH: Who is it?
VOICE: It's me, Carl.
RACH: C'mon up.
MNCA: Behind my brother's back? [Rachel glares at her] ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]
JOEY: Seven hundred bucks!
CHAN: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?
JOEY: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.
CHAN: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?
JOEY: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? [Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.]
[Scene: The balcony of Monica's apartment. Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]
CARL: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!
[Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross--a figment of Rachel's imagination-- shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.]
ROSS: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.
RACH: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.
ROSS: Fine, just stop thinking about me.
[She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.]
ROSS: Can't do it, can you?
RACH: So I'm thinking about you. So what?
ROSS: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?
RACH: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....
CARL: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!
ROSS: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.
RACH: Ross, it's too hard.
ROSS: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.
RACH: Ross, you're like my best friend.
ROSS: I know.
RACH: If we broke up, and I lost you...
ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?
RACH: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?
ROSS: [pause] No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?
RACH: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.
ROSS: Well, start looking.
[They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.]
CARL: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!
RACH: Right! You're right!
CARL: Heh... y'know?
RACH: You know what?
RACH: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... [gives him her drink] I mean--I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.
[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background. Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]
RACH: [sifting through crowd] Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.
[Scene: Jetway. The old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]
MAN: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!
[A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.]
ROSS: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.
[Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman (JULIE) kiss.]
JULIE: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
ROSS: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.
JULIE: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?
ROSS: No, no, they will. I just... uh...
ROSS/JULIE: Can't wait.
ROSS: Come on, they're gonna love you.
[Scene: Close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]