The One With the Race Car Bed
Written by: Seth Kurland
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, ĎNobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.í But of course this went in one ear and out.....
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend heís Alan Alda.
Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe: Whoís singing?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice, theyíre watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, ĎEgg the Gellers!í the war cry of your neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janiceís ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! Itís the Mattress King!
Chandler: (to Janice) Donít look honey. Change the channel! Change the channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) ĎDespair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom is suddenly without a queen. Iím so depressed Iím going to slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set! Iím going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe heís using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves. (they all stare at her) And Iím appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) Iím close. Iím cheap. Iím the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there except Joey.]
Rachel: ĎOkay. (listens) Okay, daddy weíll see you tomorrow night. (listens) Okay bye-bye.í (hangs up)
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope thatís okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrowís not so good, Iím supposed to um, fall off the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat. Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesnít hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as Ďwetheadí.
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know, all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me, please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you do come to dinner, Iíll love you like I do in that black thing that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) Iíll go.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, weíll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Joey: Guess what?
Joey: I got a gig!
Chandler: See, thatís why I could never be an actor. Because I canít say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I canít say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: Whatís the part?
Joey: Well, itís not a part, no. Iím teaching acting for soap operas down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! Thatís great.
Joey: Yeah, yeah. Itís like my chance to give something back to the acting community.
Ross: Yíknow your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I donít know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I mean if you buy a bed from Janiceís ex-husband, thatís like betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the Ďthat went right over your headí motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here. Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandlerís your friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns around before heís done which causes him to write his name with a downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. Iím Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not mean acting again, it means, you donít have a line, but someone else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks, a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right, moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there waiting for the delievery guy.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, íHey, the bell doesnít dismiss you, I dismiss you.í
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, itís this great part, this boxer named Nick. And Iím so, so right for it, y'know, heís just like me. Except heís a boxer, and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller. Itís that bedroom there. (points to Monicaís room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, donít say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer letís see what you got. All right ya, put Ďem up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, youíre ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off the young men werenít acting Christian enough.
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe counters with a jab to the nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joeyís nose, causing it to bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And Iím bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And Iím a vegetarian! All right, all right, well Iím sorry, weíll put some ice on it.
Phoebe: ĎKay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I canít see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, itís the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is successful.) (to Ross) Howís the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know whatís really good here, the lobster. What do you say shall I just order three.
Ross: Yeah, if youíre really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the kind of person that works at a library.
Ross: Itís not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! Itís a museum! What, youíre the only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu. (nods at Ross, and mouths I donít know to the waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, howís the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. Iím sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good night to the Levines, before we go.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! Itís not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad mustíve added wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. Thatís Daddy.
Ross: Thatís Daddy?! But doesnít it bother you? Youíre a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the coffee house, Iíd be serving him sneezers.
Rachel: So. Ross, Iíve bugged him about this a million times, heís not gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I donít.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green isnít looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you donít need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, itís messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes, the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip way too much, way, way, too much, itís a sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think Iím cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didnít mean anything by that, he really didnít.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot. You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, Iíll tell you what, you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than Ďwetheadí.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, Iíve never been able to cry as an actor, so if Iím in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, letís say I wanna convey that Iíve just done something evil. That would be the basic ĎI have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like ití (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, letís say Iíve just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And thatís how itís done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. Iím so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! Whatís the part?
Student: Oh itís great, itís a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the Ď232 divided by 13 bad newsí look.)
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didnít you? You couldnít just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when thereís a bug in my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, Iím gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachelís, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: Iím, Iím freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something and she shouldnít have! All right, I havenít lived here in a while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monicaís room)
Rachel: All right, look, hereís the bottom line Ross, this is fixable, if we act fast, okay. So, Iíll invite him to brunch tomorrow and you can make nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesnít work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but thatís why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldnít make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and say ĎLike me! Like me tiny doctor!í
Rachel: Okay, well canít you just try it one more time Ross? For me? For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it, okay weíre never gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room together, okay, I donít wanna have to have a separate room for you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) Iíll get the bagels.
[Scene: Monicaís bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) Whatís this?
Phoebe: Isnít it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you mustíve won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: Iím sorry, okay, I-I wasnít looking, and the store says that they wonít take it back because you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, itís all Joeyís fault, Ďcause he left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he wonít notice the bed.
Chandler: Hey, Iím going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: Itís Monicaís bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) Itís a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monicaís bed, what youíre just noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isnít new, how come there is plastic on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the canvas, thatís not gonna be me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I mightíve said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, youíre this guyís teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guyís so good, and I really, really want this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then itís okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. Whatíd ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, thatís it, I canít take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? Heís interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie itís hopeless, okay, Iím just gonna go. (starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Ross: Look, look Iím sorry. Itís just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? Whatís with the neck?
Rachel: Heís got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my chiropractor...
Dr. Green: Youíre still going to that chiropractor, that man couldnít get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! Thatís what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel: Well thatís his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: Heís Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: Itís Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: Oh.
Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: With my alignment. Iíve got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh God!
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? Itís true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green: Come on! Youíre just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
Ross: I know that!
Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel: Iím sorry, let her?
Ross: What can I do, she doesnít listen to me about renterís insurance either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you donít have renterís insurance?!
Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Dr. Green: Iíd love some juice. Thanks.
Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us? Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah honey, Iím standing right there! Why didnít you just tell him about the mole I havenít got checked yet.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when youíll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And Iím ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast him. And now, heís got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi, the first lady of daytime television, and me, me Iím stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV. Iím sorry, Iím sorry, Iím sorry. (he gets a huge round of applause from his students.) Thank you.
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.]
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, Iím the lady that got stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, itís like I told you, thereís nothing I can do. You signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, Iím talking to the king. (starts to go to a back room)
Jester: Hey! You canít go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
Janice: Oh my God.
(Joey fakes a scream.)
[Scene: Monicaís bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.) Hey-hey good lookiní! (honks the bedís little horn on the steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops) All right, Iíll leave. My bedís so boring.