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The One With The Dollhouse


Written by: Wil Calhoun
Transcribed by: Eric B Aasen


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Chandler: Wait a minute, wait. Youíre telling me this actress person is the only woman you ever wanted who didnít want you back?!

Joey: Yeah! Oh my God! (to Chandler) Is this what itís like to be you?

Monica: Wow, youíre really crazy about her, huh?

Joey: Oh, you have no idea. And-and when weíre on stage I get to-to kiss her and-and touch her, but then she goes home with the director, and itís like somebodyís ripping out my heart!

Phoebe: Oh, itís so great to see you feeling like this!

Ross: (entering) Hey!

All: Hey!

Ross: Monica, uh Dad called this morning and ah, Aunt Silvia passed away.

Monica: Yes!! Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Ross: We were all pretty shaken up about it.

Phoebe: Wait, am I missing something though? ĎCause I thought death was something thatís supposed to be sad, in a way.

Ross: Well ah, Aunt Silvia was, well not a nice person.

Monica: Oh, she was a cruel, cranky, old bitch! (Ross gives her a look) (to Ross) And Iím sorry she died. Did Dad say I get the dollhouse?

Ross: You get the dollhouse.

Monica: I get the dollhouse!

Phoebe: Wow, a house for dolls, that is so cool! When I was kid, I had a barrel.

Joey: Uh, Pheebs, you had a barrel for a dollhouse?

Phoebe: No, just a barrel.

Monica: Y'know what, you can play with my dollhouse.

Phoebe: Really?! Really?!

Monica: Any time you want. Y'know, when I was younger, all I wanted to do was to play with this dollhouse, but no!! It was to be looked at, but never played with.

Chandler: My Grandmother used to say that exact same thing to me.

OPENING CREDITS

[Scene: Rachelís office, Chandler and her are coming back from lunch.]

Rachel: Hey, Sophie!

Sophie: Hey, Rach!

Chandler: Hey.

Sophie: Hey.

Rachel: Thanks for lunch, Chandler. Y'know, you didnít have to walk me all the way back up here.

Chandler: Oh, thatís-thatís okay, no problem. (He starts to look around her office.)

Rachel: Honey um, honey, you do realise that we donít keep the womenís lingerie here in the office?

Chandler: Yes, I realise that.

Rachel: Summer catalogue! (hands him the catalogue)

Chandler: Thatís the stuff! (quickly grabs it)

[Rachelís boss, Joanna, enters]

Joanna: Rachel, I need the Versachi invoice. (to Chandler) Hello! You donít work for me.

Rachel: (introduces them) Joanna, this is my friend Chandler Bing (to Chandler) Joanna.

Joanna: Bing! Thatís a great name.

Chandler: Thanks, itís ah, Gaelic, for ĎThy turkeyís done.í So ah, Iím gonna go, nice, nice meeting you.

Joanna: Me too.

Rachel: Bye, Chandler.

Joanna: (to Rachel) So ah, whatís wrong with him?

Rachel: Oh, nothing, heís just goofy like that, I actually, hardly notice it anymore.

Joanna: Oh no, no-no-no, is he ah, married, or involved with anyone?

Rachel: No!! No! Heís not married, or involved, with anyone!

Joanna: Oh, Rachel, (pause) actually, y'know what, forget it.

Rachel: Well, Iíll ask him for you, if you want me too?

Joanna: Would you? Or, is it just to sad and desperate, and y'know something that Sophie would do?

Sophie: Uh, uh, uh, I am here.

Joanna: I know that.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is showing off her new dollhouse. Itís a huge dollhouse, that takes up the entire living room table.]

Monica: Look at it! Ohhh! Wallpaperís a little faded, thatís okay. Carpetís a little loose. Hardwood floors!!

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Chandler: Hello.

Phoebe: Oh! Ooh! Oh Monica! Itís so beautiful.

Monica: I know!!!

Phoebe: So, Iím here, ready to play.

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: I brought a bunch of stuff for the house, so check it out. Ha-ha. (She removes this large ceramic dog that comes up to the second floor and places it next to the house.)

Monica: Whatís this?

Phoebe: Thatís a dog, every house should have a dog.

Monica: Not one that can pee on the roof.

Phoebe: Well, maybe itís so big because the house was built on radioactive waste.

Chandler: (holding a tissue) And is this in case the house sneezes?

Phoebe: No, no, thatís the ghost for the attic.

Monica: I donít want a ghost.

Phoebe: Well, nobody wants a ghost. But youíve got one, because the house is sitting on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Ross: Wait a minute, the house was built on radioactive waste, and an ancient Indian burial ground? That would never happen.

Phoebe: Okay, obviously you donít know much about the U.S. government.

Rachel: (entering) Hey!

All: Hello.

Rachel: I need to talk to you!

Ross: Sure, whatís up?

Rachel: Oh, sorry. I meant Chandler.

Ross: I-I know. Well if something comes up... (walks away)

Chandler: Oh, I'm glad you guys are past that little awkward phase.

Rachel: Okay, my boss, Joanna, when you left, she started asking questions about you...

Chandler: Oh-ho, liked what she saw, huh? Dug my action, did she? Checkiní out the Chan-Chan man!

Rachel: (looks at him) That was (pause) surreal. Okay, what do think? Are you interested at all?

Chandler: Yeah, she seemed cool, attractive. Iíll do it.

Rachel: Oh thank you, Chandler, this is so great, sheís gonna love me.

Phoebe: (holding a dinosaur) Okay, dinosaur attack!! Quick, everybody into the house!! Ahh-ahh! (the dinosaur starts attacking the house. She starts to bark like a dog.) Roof! Rrroof-roof-roof!

Monica: Okay, Phoebe, y'know what? That-thatís it, thatís it, all right? No dinosaurs, no ghosts, no giant dogs, okay? Theyíre not the right size, theyíre not Victorian, and they just donít go.

Phoebe: Okay, (starts to pack up her stuff) fine. Come dinosaur, weíre not welcome in the house of no imagination.

Ross: Uh, Pheebs, while weíre hovering around the subject. I just have to say dinosaurs, they-they donít go, rrroof!

Phoebe: The little ones do.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are getting ready to rehearse the play.]

Joey: Hey, Kate!

Kate: Morning.

Joey: Listen, I ah, went to that restaurant that you were talking about last week...

The Director: Hey, lovely! Come, talk to me a minute! (she goes over to him)

Joey: (to himself) And I ate the food, I had the fish, it was good, yeah. It was good, yeah...

Woman: Hi, oh, Iím Lauren, Kateís understudy.

Joey: Oh, hey! Joey Tribbiani.

Lauren: I know! I-Iím a big fan of yours.

Joey: (looks at her, shocked) What?!

Lauren: I used to umm, schedule my classes so I could watch Dr. Drake Remoray on Days of Our Lives.

Joey: Get out of here, really?!

Lauren: Absolutely!

Joey: Yeah?

Lauren: Oh but then, they went and dropped you down that elevator shaft.

Joey: They gave me the shaft all right.

Lauren: (laughing) Oh, youíre so funny. Listen, umm, what are you doing after rehearsals? Do you want to get a drink, or something?

Joey: Well Ahh, (he sees Kate and the director kissing) yeah! Yeah, sure, a drink sounds great.

Lauren: Cool! I-Iíll see you then.

Joey: All right.

The Director: All right, itís time to act, my talking props. (Both Joey and Kate just look at each other.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering with her own dollhouse, that she made herself.]

Phoebe: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Look everybody, look at my new dollhouse!!

Rachel: Wow!!

Phoebe: Look, look! (She lifts up the roof, and the front panel falls revealing the interior.)

Ross: Hey, whatís this?!

Phoebe: Oh, okay, itís the slide instead of stairs. Watch this. (She slides a doll down the slide)

Monica: Itís very interesting, Phoebe.

Rachel: Whatís this?

Phoebe: The Licorice Room, you can eat all the furniture. And, when guests come over, they can stay on the tootsie roll-away bed.

Ross: This is the coolest house ever!!

(Monica is looking on with a hurt expression on her face.)

Phoebe: Hey, does anybody want to join me in the aroma room? (lights some incense)

Rachel: All right!

Ross: I would!

Monica: Hey, guys, guys, did you see my new, china cabinet?!

Ross and Rachel: Uh-huh.

Phoebe: Watch, watch. (She turns a strand of Christmas lights strung around the house.)

Ross and Rachel: Ooohhhh!!

Phoebe: And, and! (She turns on a bubble maker.)

Ross and Rachel: Ahhhh!!

Chandler: (entering) Hey, my Fatherís house does that!

Rachel: (to Chandler) O-o-o-okay, how did it go? Tell me everything.

Chandler: Well, the movie was great, dinner was great, and thereís nothing like a cool, crisp New York evening.

Rachel: Hmm.

Chandler: Of course, I didnít get to enjoy any of that, because Joannaís such a big, dull dud!

[Scene: Rachelís office, Joannaís telling Rachel, her side of the story.]

Joanna: Chandler is fantastic!!

Rachel: What?!

Joanna: Oh God, we just clicked! Yíknow how people just click? Like he came by to pick me up, and I opened the door, and it was just like, click! Did he tell you?

Rachel: Oh, I....

Joanna: Oh, and heís got such a good heart! Doesnít he have a good heart?

Rachel: Oh, I know...

Joanna: Oh, I know and heís soo sweet! Listen, he said he was going to call, so put him straight through.

Sophie: Isnít this great?!

Joanna: Donít spoil it.

[Scene: The Theatre, Joey and Kate are rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, donít go. Please? What do you say?

[A phone rings.]

The Director: (answering the phone) Hello. Oh! Itís you. Just ah, just one-one sec. (to Joey and Kate) I am going to take this call. When I continue, I hope that there will appear on stage this magical thing that in the theatre we call, committing to the moment! (He goes to take the call.)

Joey: (to Kate) That guyís like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway?

Kate: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater youíre dating.

Joey: Hey, Iím not interested in her sweater! Itís whatís underneath her sweater that counts. And besides, since ah, since when do you care who Iím going out with?

Kate: I donít care. Why, do you want me to care?

Joey: Do you want me to want you to care?

Kate: Do you?

Joey: What?

The Director: (returning) Okay, Iím afraid to say this, but letís pick it up where we left off.

[They resume rehearsing.]

Joey: Come on baby, donít go. Please? What do you say?

Kate: Iíve got no reason to stay.

(Joey grabs her and kisses her.)

The Director: Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! Iíll see you in the morning. (exits)

Kate: I canít believe we go on in, in a week.

Joey: Hey, itís gonna be all right.

Lauren: (to Joey) Hey! So since weíre getting off early, do you want to go and paint mugs?

Joey: What?

Lauren: You know! At the place I told you about last night?

Joey: Oh, yeah, with the mug painting. Yeah. I was so listening to that. But ah, y'know what, I think I kinda need to work on my stuff tonight.

Lauren: Oh, okay.

Joey: Okay. (he gives her a peck on the cheek)

Lauren: Iíll see you tomorrow. (she kisses him full on the mouth.)

Joey: Okay.

Lauren: Gínight. (exits)

Joey: (to Kate) Ah, are you okay?

Kate: Yeah, I guess. Look, what are we gonna do about this scene, huh?

Joey: I donít know.

Kate: Well umm, maybe if it had more heat.

Joey: How do you mean?

Kate: Well, Adrianís looking for a reason to stay, right? Victor canít just kiss her, heís gotta, gotta really give her a reason, y'know?

Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue.

Kate: Or maybe, maybe he could grab her, and, and, and, and lift her up.

Joey: Yeah, yeah, and then Adrian, she maybe she could wrap her legs around his waist.

Kate: And then she could rip off his shirt and kiss his chest, and, and his stomach!

Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her!

Kate: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal....

[cut to Joeyís bedroom, Joey and Kate are emerging from under the covers.]

Joey: Something like that?

Kate: Yeah, thatís pretty much what I had in mind.

Joey: Yeah.

COMMERCIAL BREAK

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and Monica are eating breakfast as Joey enters, very happily.]

Joey: (to Ross) Hey.

Ross: Hi.

Joey: (to Monica) Hey.

(He walks up behind Monica and gives her a big hug and a kiss on the neck.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey.

(He walks over behind Ross, thinks about it for a moment, and gives him a big hug.)

Ross: Itís a little early to be drinkiní.

Joey: No-no, things ah, finally happened with Kate.

Ross: Ohhhhh!

Monica: Youíre kidding?! Thatís great!

Joey: Oh, it was so amazing. After the (pause) love making...

Monica: Oh my.

Joey: Yep. I just, I just watched her sleep for like hours, just breathing in and breathing out. And then I knew she was dreaming Ďcause, Ďcause her eyes keep going like this. (He closes his eyes and moves them around, kinda like heís been processed by the devil, or something.)

Chandler: (entering with Rachel) Iím telling ya, Joannaís got it all wrong. Okay? All I said was, ĎThis was fun. Letís do it again sometime. Iíll give you a call.í

Rachel: Ohh, gee. I wonder why she thinks youíre going to call her?

Chandler: Thatís what you say at the end of a date.

Rachel: You canít just say, ĎNice to meet you, good night?í

Chandler: To her face? Look itís the end of the date, Iím standing there, I know all sheís waiting for is for me to say ĎIíll call herí and itís just y'know, comes out. I canít help it, itís a compulsion.

Monica: Come on Rach, when a guy says heís going to call, it doesnít mean heís going to call. Hasnít it ever happened to you?

Rachel: Well, they always called.

Monica: Hmm, bite me.

[Scene: Rachelís office.]

Joanna: (entering) Did he call?

Rachel: No. Sorry.

Joanna: Why?! Why?! He said heíd call. Why hasnít he called?

Sophie: Maybe heís intimated by really smart, strong, successful women.

Joanna: Sophie, would you please climb out of my butt. Why hasnít he called, Rachel? Why?

Rachel: Okay, okay. Umm, well ah, maybe he, maybe he feels awkward because you are my boss.

Joanna: Awkward? Why should he feel awkward?

Rachel: Well...

Joanna: The only person that should feel awkward is you, and you didnít tell him not to call me, did you?

Rachel: No. I...

Joanna: Because if you feel uncomfortable with your friend dating someone you work for, there are always ways to fix...that.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler is reading a magazine as Rachel approaches.]

Rachel: (grabbing the magazine out of his hands) Call her! Call her now!

Chandler: Multiple, so many paper cuts.

Rachel: Why hasnít he called Rachel? Why? Why? I donít understand. Why? He said heíll call. Why? Why? Chandler Iím telling you she has flipped out, sheís gone crazy!

Chandler: (sarcastic) Oh, well give me the phone then.

Rachel: Come on, this isnít funny. She thinks itís my fault that you havenít called her. You have to call her!

Chandler: Look, you canít call somebody after this long just to say, ĎIn case you didnít notice, I donít like you!í

Rachel: Well then youíre going to have to take her out again.

Chandler: Nooo!! Sheís really dull! And she gets this gross mascara goop thing in the corner of her eye!

Rachel: I donít care! I donít care! You are going to have to take her out again and end it, and end it in way that she knows itís actually ended. And, I donít care how hard it is for you, do not tell her that you will call her again!

Chandler: All right! Fine! But itís just a lunch date, no more than an hour! And from now on I get my own dates, I donít want you setting me up with anybody ever again!

Rachel: Thatís fine!

Chandler: Thatís just a lot of big talk, y'know.

Rachel: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Mon?

Monica: (from the bathroom) Iím in the shower!

[He closes the door and walks over to get something from the fridge. He starts to smell something and turns around to see Phoebeís dollhouse smoking. He runs over and takes off the roof to reveal that the dollhouse fire.]

Ross: Oh, fire! There, thereís a fire! Fire!!

[He tries to blow it out, and obviously, it doesnít work. He runs over to the sink to get a glass of water to put out the fire, but since Monica is in the shower the water pressure is very low and takes a long time to fill the glass. In desperation he takes the half full glass over and dumps it on the fire, it doesnít work. He then picks up the dollhouse and considers bringing it over to the sink, but decides to take it into the bathroom and use the shower to put it out. He kicks open the door and we hear Monica scream at the top of her lungs.]

[Scene: The Theatre, Kate is arriving for rehearsal.]

Joey: Hey.

Kate: Hi.

Joey: So I ah, talked to Lauren, kinda told her how things were with us. Did you ah, did you talk to Marshall?

Kate: About what?

Joey: Y'know, about what happened with us.

Kate: Nooo. And thereís really no reason he should find out, so ah letís not make a big deal about it, okay?

Joey: What are you talking about? It was a big deal. I mean, come on you canít tell me last night didnít mean something to you. I-I was there, youíre not that good an actress.

Kate: Look umm, I, I was, I was just caught up in the moment. Thatís all it was. Joey, Iím-Iím sorry you feel bad, but havenít you ever sleep with a women where it meant more to her than it did to you?

Joey: Nooo.

Lauren: (entering) Hi, Kate!

Kate: Hi, Lauren.

Joey: Hi, Lauren.

Lauren: Hi, pig!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Ross are inspecting the damage to the dollhouse.]

Ross: Sorry I ah, I scared you in there.

Monica: Oh, thatís okay. By the way, I was just checking the shower massager.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey!

Monica: (runs over to her) I tried to reach you at work. Thereís....been a fire.

Phoebe: What?! Oh my... (sees the remains of the house) Oh my God!! What happened?!

Ross: Well, we believe it originated here. (He uses a pointer and points to the point of origin.) In the Aroma Room.

Phoebe: All right. Did everyone get out okay?

Monica: Well, the giraffeís okay. And so is the pirate.

Phoebe: Ohh. What is this? (She sees a tissue covering something, and moves to remove it.)

Ross: No Phoebe, donít look! You donít want to see whatís under there!!

Phoebe: (She pauses to ready herself, and removes the tissue.) Ohh, the-the Foster puppets!

(She picks up a charred piece of plastic that once was the Foster puppets, and starts to break down. Monica goes over and comforts her.)

[Scene: Rachelís office, Chandler and Joanna are returning from their lunch date. He is telling her about her mascara problem. Rachel is already there.]

Chandler: Itís not a big deal. Itís, just itís right here, (points to his eye) and itís all the time.

Joanna: Well, thanks again for lunch.

Chandler: (He looks over at Rachel, who nods her head) Yes, this, this was pleasant.

(Rachel is slowing trying to leave and let them talk.)

Joanna: It was, wasnít it?

Chandler: The food there was, was great.

Joanna: Wasnít it?

Chandler: So take care.

Joanna: You too.

Chandler: Well, this was great. Iíll give you a call. We should do it again sometime. (Rachel is disappointed)

Joanna: Great! Iím looking forward to it. Rachel, any messages?

Rachel: Sophieís desk.

(Chandler starts to leave ashamed of himself, but Rachel stops him in the hallway.)

Rachel: (whispering) Chandler!! Are you gonna call her!

Chandler: Noo!

Rachel: Chandler!!

Chandler: Look, Iím sorry. Okay? Iím weak, and pathetic, and sorry.

Rachel: Okay, you are going to tell her and youíre going to tell her now. (She grabs his nipple and starts to twist it.)

Chandler: Ahhhh--Iím not going to call you.

Joanna: What?

Chandler: Iím sorry. Iím-Iím-Iím sorry that I said I was going to when Iím not. Look, this has nothing to do with you, y'know? And this isnít Rachelís fault. Itís me. I have serious, serious problems when it comes to women. I have issues with commitment, intimacy, (pause) mascara goop. And Iím really sorry, itís just that this is not, this isnít going to work out.

Joanna: Well, this isnít how I was hoping how this would end, but I guess I have to appreciate your honesty.

Chandler: Yeah, o-okay.

Joanna: So...

Chandler: Well this is great! Iíll give you a call! We should do it again sometime!

(Rachel is shocked, and holds her arms out in disbelief.)

CLOSING CREDITS

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is talking on the phone.]

Joey: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what Iím saying is I shouldíve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. Iíve ah, Iíve recently learned whatís it like to be on your side of it, and Iím sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, sheís not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.

END

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